remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
Randomize
