i don't remember her name, but i don't need it unless we decide to hook up again. but even then, i can get away with not knowing it for a while. it's not like we have actual conversations.
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize
