was i over the top when i said that i wished they made v-neck pants to her?
I had total buyers remorse when i finally got him naked. All that effort for a dude that hairy? Come on.
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
Randomize
