I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
are any of them hardcore sluts...just absolute worthless human beings? if not the paper wins
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
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