Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
member when we used to take shits together before volleyball games?
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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