In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
He invites me over for to adderall and chill. Academic Tuesday
Hey do you or anyone you know want to get drunk for free? At 4pm tonight at rctc for field sobriety training for future cops
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
Randomize
