Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
Send those Picts to my email please. From last night
Ps thx for the porn on my phone
;) ur welcome
You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
