You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
how can i change my meal plan to a keystone plan?
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
mondays should just be called national damage control day
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
Randomize
