oh my she just said cum sticks to her dentures so when she blows if they let her she takes them out
You do realize the lyrics aren't "hold me close TONY DANZA" right?
You can't be serious.
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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