Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
Randomize
