OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
She Kept going around and squirting jello shots into guys mouths. That was her ice breaker.
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
I’d say they were worth it. He screamed “your tits are fanfuckingtastic!”while he was cumming
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
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