I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
Randomize
