My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
Inquiring minds want to know if your Bf is circumcised
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
Randomize
