You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
Lmao. We just snorted some mystery powder uriah found packged up in my car, that i know has been in there almost a year... Its adventure time.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
Not going to lie- I'm a little freaked out camping right now. This is one of those high activities you don't do by yourselves...or close to bears
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
Randomize
