I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
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