he looks like a really good dad on facebook
just printed 333 ways to get kicked out of wal-mart. hello thursday night.
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
Randomize
