i always forget guys have bellybuttons
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
ahaha ok
let's call it "werewolfing"
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Randomize
