i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
What's your fascination with fucking to the Lion King Soundtrack?
Randomize
