He told me he had never done that before...I responded with "clearly"
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
