you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
Listen all I know is that mistakes were made and she stole the car and drove half an hour for food at 4 am
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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