if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
I puked off the balcony.
Not horrible
Into the hottub. There were six people in it. I had eaten all their pizza.
He had an itunes playlist named "def not Glee season 1" which contained all of Glee season 1
all we did was drink wine and talk about how people who dont have facebook dont exist.
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
Randomize
