my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
Randomize
