3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
Dude she has starbursts in her sports bra. I feel like this is counter productive.
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
And to add, there was a fat guy right next to me who, when the girls would shake their butts, he would let out a shrill xena warrior princess cheer
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
Randomize
