youre lurking in front of me
I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
She is only going home with him in hopes to give him herpes. She has been plotting some master revenge since 7th grade.
My ATM looks so different sober.
23 Absolutely Despicable Things That People Have Actually Done
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
25 Disturbing Facts That Will Make You Question Everything
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
I'm turning into an adult here.
Adults touch each other's special zones.
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.