No, don't ignore my call, i just need to know, whats cuter a pig in boots or a miniature horse sitting down..
We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
It's a good deal. He teaches me how to longboard, then we have sex
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
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