I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
I remember doing shots of gin, then I have this strange memory of us making out in the womens room at waffle house.
I regret none of it.
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
So, my first week in Saskatchewan ended with me drinking moonshine and getting eaten out in a tractor. I already love it here!
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