I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
We just all danced like dinosaurs in the center of the dance floor.
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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