things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
Randomize
