so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
boys just don't understand what they're missing out on.
he's missing out on my boobs looking marvelous this evening.
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Randomize
