I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
