she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
I just put up a picture on my dorm room wall of that ginger you hooked up with to remind myself that everyone makes mistakes
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
Randomize
