Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Too soon.
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
Is 10 pm too early to booty call a freshman?
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
Randomize
