I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
And. No one ejaculated on anyones face. This is all wrong
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
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