Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize
