At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
Randomize
