Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
when a girl feels in her heart, the way she feels in her vagina, anything is possible.
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
Randomize
