i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
Randomize
