You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
My dad got me a charm braclet....his way of trying to support my gayness....
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
This is my first time seeing you since your lesbian experience. SO EXCITED!
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Randomize
