i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
I love how girls just decide that guys who don't like them must be gay
I do the same thing. If a girl doesn't like me...I am like, "i must be gay"
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
Randomize
