Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
Randomize
