Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
So, left this guys house wearing a #1 Grandpa shirt and I think this is the best sex score I've ever had.
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
Randomize
