woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
At least you weren't that one girl in the bar that was letting everyone draw on her in sharpie. Worst decision I've ever witnessed.
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
Randomize
