I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
The cops raided her house the day before class even started
Those assholes are becoming so efficient
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
Randomize
