A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
Too much dab too little lung dying šµšµšµ
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
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