can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
Dude she has a bf and shes on lockdown more than Nelson Mandela in 95
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
Then she cat effected the picture of my dick I sent her the other night. I'm in love.
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
Randomize
