Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
i remember too much of last night for it to have been successful
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
Just played slippy cup. Flip cup plus slip n slide. What did you do with your fourth of july?
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
Randomize
