I am pretty sure the guy in the stall two dwn from me is jerking it...seriously
i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
no normal human would even think about making waldo slutty but you
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
He smashed a plastic chair leg on a tree stump, threw himself into the side of our metal enclosure, stomped on the wreckage for a bit and then punched the fire.
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
I believe you can. But if you can have rum with breakfast then do that. Definitely do that.
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
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