I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
Same here... Well I was planning on having some sort of deep conversation, but looking at how grim of an outlook tomorrow has on you, I'll just re-inform you that I have your pants.
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
Dude respond to my evite. You're either coming to the orgy or not.
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
Randomize
