Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
Can't find our DD
He's backstage giving the strippers foot massages.They kidnapped him the moment he walked thru the door.
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
I don't remember anything beyond the drinking game but I woke up in my own pee this morning so I'm just gonna go out on a limb and say I overdid it.
Randomize
