tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
pshh wine cellars. now if he has a tequila cellar whole different story
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
When did we start counting Thursdays as weekends?
When we got our fake ids in grade 11, why?
I just feel like it's time to start counting wednesdays as well...
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
she just took adderol and chased it w dog water
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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