its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
welp,tonight ive reached new levels. by new levels I mean,i showed some guys my boobs for water. on your tab.. the most pointless thing ive ever done. either we should hang out way more,or never again.
Randomize
