Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
Maybe if i eat something filling like whole wheat pasta it will make me less hungry for things like dick
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
Randomize
