Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
Say something about gay babies.
Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
