I may or may not have just irish jigged at a bar. And broken out in a sweat from it. Not a good sign for that marathon yo.
Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
my last 3 google searches were anal itchy vagina and ice cubes
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
Howd it go?
Well we had the "no we're not fucking on the porch" conversation but then we totally fucked on the porch. So I'd say alright.
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
Randomize
